...onwards and upwards.

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Introduction: Everyone Must Do It

I have been contemplating a journal like this for some time. I write a personal journal on Open Diary, but I wanted a place to write, where my focus was writing, not my own ups and downs and roller-coaster life. Open Diary is a great community, but the software leaves something to be desired, other than cutesy things I don't use and the writing bits and pieces that half the time do not function because they are Microsoft Explorer dedicated. I use Firefox. So, often, I cannot change my fonts or anything else, other than simply to write. And I want to focus on my writing. Essays. Thoughts. Opinions.

This is a good place to do that. And so I shall.

I am 42 years old. A mother to three boys who are 5, 7, and 15. The fifteen year old is profoundly mentally handicapped, unable to speak or really communicate in any way any more. He has seizures, and they are slowly eating away at his life and what little of him is left. He sits in a wheelchair now, and I try to make his life as comfortable as possible for whatever time he has left. Quality... over quantity.

My 5 and 7 year old boys were surprises. I did not think I could have children. They blessed and changed my life in so many ways, above and beyond how the 15 year old has. He came into my life when he was 3, and was 10 when the last showed his head bloody and screaming. My life is in such a different place than I thought it would be. Not a bad thing, mind you, just a completely different direction than I sat and imagined myself when I was 13. But what do kids know, right? Heh.

I am a bisexual, polyamory, pagan-agnostic woman. I am a progressive-moderate-democrat. I am married to a wonderful man, and we have an “open” relationship. It has its ups and downs, but all in all it is the best thing I ever chose to do, and stick with, in my whole life. I am, obviously, a mother. I am a roleplayer. I am a student of life. I am a writer. I am a person who enjoys debate, politics, and the study of things science and logic. I have dedicated my life to learning, and always fighting to be the best I can be, even when it really would be easier not to. Why? Because life isn't easy, and if it were we'd all die of boredom by 40.

I spent my last 40 something years learning and unlearning, striving and fighting, struggling and arguing and hating myself. Somewhere around 35, right around the time I had my middle boy, I realized what a waste of time that was. The hating myself, not the struggle. I started trying to figure out how I got myself into the hole I was in, and began the -long- journey OUT of it. I am pleased to report that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've checked my feet. There are no train tracks. Thats not a train heading toward me. Thats truly... the next path.

So... here we are. And now it begins. Let's see what comes out of my brain and off my fingers as I tap away on these keys. This will be a place of expression, honesty, frustration, anger, and systematic logical thought. I hope you enjoy the ride. I know I will.



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